Don't Ask, Don't Tell

By Natalie Shobana Ambrose                                                                            
theSun, Malaysia (page 18)
January 27th, 2011

Only polite conversation was allowed, no talk of politics, religion or sex. However, it seemed impossible after a while to follow that rule and impossible while writing today’s column.

In America a number of teenage suicides sparked the nationwide campaign ‘It gets better’ which saw politicians, religious leaders and celebrities record blips saying it gets better and that people should be free to decide their sexual orientation. A common thread in these suicides – the issue of lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgendered commonly known as lgbt.

That openness triggered a local to tell the world that he’s gay and it’s OK which sparked outrage and now he fears for his life after he received death threats. All this happened in the same month of the same year, in two different parts of the world, with two very different reactions.

Here in Malaysia we practise the don’t ask, don’t tell routine. Even if we know someone is out rightly gay, we pretend, avoid talk of it to their face and carry on. If in a more arty farty setting, it’s the norm and probably shoved in your face. So better just don’t ask, don’t tell or sometimes, we kid ourselves and ask when an out rightly gay person will be heterosexually married. We contradict ourselves so often in being pious, yet as a nation we are fed too much detail about sodomy cases in our papers.

In some countries it’s easier to be gay because if a man is seen with a woman other than his wife, mother or sister, it becomes a big problem. However if a man has a male guest in his house, no one questions or intrudes. While women hanging out together is quite natural so who would even question?

We condemn people who come out and say they are gay, yet we have extremely feminine men on local television. It may be two different things but one has to wonder what the guidelines for condemnation are.

Personally I don’t know if sexual orientation is something we’re born with or something we’re taught or even if it’s a combination of both. I do know what the holy books say and yet I also know that judgement is God’s right not ours and that bullying is not condoned by any religion. There are far worse acts that are a daily occurrence in our society - child pornography, paedophilia, incest, rape where perpetrators roam free. Shouldn’t these be the monsters we judge and punish?

Further more, if we believe that we have the right to condemn such acts, then there are other laws that govern what can and cannot be done with regards to sex but how many people actually follow them? And being heterosexual does not grant anyone immunity from such sins.

If one is being indecent then stop it but who’s to say what is indecent. We are extreme, either we condemn or we pretend it doesn’t exist. Foreign television programmes with lgbt storylines are not censored, while Malaysian productions are not to have such storylines. We can pretend all we like, or think that it only happens in foreign countries because in Malaysia, people on tv end up becoming heterosexual. Why are we kidding ourselves?

These issues are real and in real life we can’t just censor it. It would be easier if everything was black and white and clear, but it isn’t. We have to deal with it, we have to cut our prejudices and ask ourselves, if someone we love deeply told us they were gay how would we react.

Would you love them any less? Would you bully them to the point of suicide?

At the end of the day, what happens in the bedroom of consenting adults is nobody else’s business, how we treat others is what matters.

Natalie knows that it’s easy to ignore or pretend difficult issues don’t exits but the reality is they do, and we need to address them compassionately.
Comments: letters@thesundaily.com

Accountability & Charities

By Natalie Shobana Ambrose
theSun, Malaysia
January 13th, 2011

We were enjoying a meal, when someone came up to us with a random mix of things insisting we have a look and buy their goods. A few minutes later the same thing happened, and again, when finally someone actually came up and asked us for money. So we politely said no, but that only made the person ask again motioning that she was hungry. So we said, we’ll buy her a meal, we’ll buy her what we were eating. She declined. We gave her the menu to choose what she’d like, she declined continuing to ask for money. After a long stubborn exchange of words, she had no choice but to agree to the meal. Shortly after, in true Malaysian fashion we continued our meal, this time at a more upmarket restaurant when midway during conversation, the same now-not-so-hungry woman walks in, not to solicit money but as a customer.

Soliciting money is a common scene. There are the able-bodied that come around selling things: be it children selling knickknacks or foreigners who pull out shiny fake watches out of their bags or those who come selling tissue paper packets or those with a cup asking for money. If you sit there long enough, you’ll experience round two of the usual suspects. It happens so often that most people become numb. They either decline to part with their money or just to ease their conscience they give a token not asking why those asking for funds are in such a position.

Then there are the charities that come around with mini-laminated booklets. Some seem devious by standing outside banks and ATM machines, cornering the unsuspecting.

Why is this such a common scene? There are three groups. The first are the people who beg: They range from the disabled who mysteriously are brought to pasar malams to beg to the ones who frequent restaurants with a beggar’s cup. It’s not that there is no welfare, sometimes people just don’t want state help for whatever reason. And since the problem is rampant, there’s only so much that can be done but it still does not make it acceptable.

You might think I have a heart made of tin, but sometimes, giving money is really for our benefit, so that we feel like we’ve done something good. Little do we know if that money is actually going to be used to buy milk for a hungry child and not drugs or alcohol for a user parent? Then there are the syndicates that run a business using beggars.

The second are the opportunists: They range from those selling the RM10 gift set to the foreigner trying to sell some bling. The authorities should clamp down on such entrepreneurs and restaurants need to clearly be opposed to such solicitation but there is little enforcement.

The third are the so-called charities whose accounts are not questioned. One does have to wonder though, who the stakeholders are? Is it the beneficiaries? If so, are they allowed to question how the money is spent? Who are the accountants responsible, who is doing the book keeping, are they qualified, and to whom are the reports going to.

Basically, I’m asking where is the accountability. In some cases, there is some sort of accountability to the board of directors but what about the donors? Under Malaysian law, charitable organisations are to submit an annual report to the registrar of societies, but the problem is, most do not have the means to hire qualified auditors or accountants, getting by with unskilled accounting staff and at the end of the day, submit inaccurate accounts or fail to submit it all together. So what happens then? We continue to give money not questioning if it’s going to the intended cause or people. We fool ourselves into believing we’re helping when in fact, we’re not.

In Malaysia, most charities are run by volunteers. There are many good people who do a lot of work for charities and there are a lot of charities doing good work. The problem though is that there are some that abuse that trust.

It is not pleasant to be approached for funds and I’m sure it’s not pleasant having to ask for donations but I guess that’s the only way of getting money for some.

Natalie wishes there were better rules and guidelines for charities and capable volunteers to do the accounting.

Comments: letters@thesundaily.com